Believe by Lin Marsh


When I look up to the stars,
There's a burning deep inside me,
And I feel the power growing in my soul,
There is something I can sense,
Deep within a dream to guide me,
And I know that I am reaching for my goal

Chorus
I can be anything I want, I can climb the highest mountain,
I can hear the ocean calling wild and free
I can be anything I want with this hope to drive me onwards
If I can just believe in me.

When the skys are dark and grey,
We still know the sun is shining
Though it's out of sight it's light is glowing still
And as long as I believe
There is nothing I can't wish for
Not a dream that I'm unable to fulfill

Chorus
I can be anything I want, I can climb the highest mountain
I can hear the ocean calling wild and free
I can be anything I want with this hope to drive me onwards,
If i can just believe in me.

Bridge
And whatever it takes I'll find it somehow
Whatever it takes I'll show I'm strong
Whatever it takes I'll make it happen, finding out where i belong

While the world is spinning round,
I can sometimes lose direction
And I know how hard it is to find my way
But with friends around to care,
There is nothing I can't handle
And I'll face the future treasuring each day

Chorus
I can be anything I want, I can climb the highest mountain
I can hear the ocean calling wild and free
I can be anything I want with this hope to drive me onwards
if I can just belive in me.

Y'know those times when everything seems to be going wrong, when you're just impossibly clumsy? Or when, after a perfect time with your perfect person, you have to go fuck everything up? Yeah, that would be me right now. This morning, I managed to destroy - beyond any kind of hope of repair - the hanging basket that has been our pride and joy. Suffice it to say that Someone New (who really needs a new nickname by now) was not impressed. I think I'll be taking a trip to Homebase later to replace said hanging basket.

Ah, the trials and tribulations of domestic bliss.

When I see that it has been 14 weeks since my last entry, that reminds me of how much has happened, and both how long and how short that time has been.

As an attentive re-read of recent entries will show, I broke up with The Boy. I am now with someone new, and all is fine and dandy there. :)

Other things that have happened:

I have handed in my notice at work, initially with a plan to head up to some Scottish Island for a few months, now with a plan just to get a new job round here.

I have acquired - intentionally - a new hamster. She is called Alexandra Megan, or Alex for short. She is a Syrian hamster and is very beautiful. Only her cage needs cleaning out and she won't cooperate by being awake when I am.

I have dyed my hair red. Like, red red. As a friend has said: you're a redhead. No hair, just a red head. It's amazing how a simple change in hair colour changes you. At first, I wasn't sure about it, wasn't sure I could be this person with bright red hair, but now I love it. And I am the person with bright red hair. Only I keep forgetting I have bright red hair and then I surprise myself when I look in mirrors.

Hallelujah and hurrah, I have a week off work. We ditched the kids last Thursday, then last Friday was a training day, which I actually found quite interesting, despite the best efforts of co-workers to distract me. I think I'm still not too long out of uni that I go into instant lecture mode, which helps me cope with, well, being talked at. Anyways, we went to Burger King for lunch, then the stuff finished at 3, and everyone legged it, basically.

I had a voucher for a free bottle of wine at Carluccio's, so went off there with Anna in the evening, and had yummy food and got quite pissed, both in the restaurant and in the pub afterwards. Highlights of the evening included the Domino's pizza delivery guy showing up in the restaurant, to the general bemusement of the staff, me thinking I'd left my scarf in the restaurant when actually it was at home all along, and me and Anna walking back to the Broadway listening to Jackson 5 and Diana Ross on my phone. Good times.

I also broke up with The Boy on Friday: I'm ok-ish. If you want to talk to me about this, please email/msn me, rather than commenting here.

On Saturday, I came to my Grandma's, where I still am, enjoying a very lazy few days. Basically, lots of going for coffee and vegging out in front of the telly and such. Good times. I'm heading back to my bit of London tomorrow tho, as I have much to sort out - people to see, places to be and all the rest.

Take care, y'all.

My fears of spending the whole weekend staring at my computer have been quashed - heading over to a friend's to watch Napoleon Dynamite and drink beer. Good times.

In the end, I went for their break time, with the ones who really had been behaving let go early. The scary delightful, not at all foul-mouthed Year 6 teacher came and looked menacing for a bit, which is always fun.

I am so, so knackered. It's been the longest week ever for some reason - I've had a load of paperwork to do about one child, and it is just the most faffy thing ever. Meh. Anyway, I seem to have survived. I am, however, not getting out of bed in the morning. I will bring my laptop in bed and work, but I am staying firmly in my bed till at least 11am.

Take care, my lovelies.

School this week has been sort of busy, and sort of not. Lots of annoying little things to do that really have very little to do with teaching (such as making a display with perfect 1cm borders round everything), and some epic paperwork. Also, the kids thought today they would waste my time by taking 15 minutes to come back from the ICT suite, mostly due to an inability to wait in line in silence. So, in turn, I will waste their break time tomorrow *evil cackle*. I might also get one of the scary lovely, kind, pretty Y6 teachers to come yell at them. Heehee.

I went to book club tonight - it was good fun, nice to hear lots of different opinions about a book, and get to discuss it. I am however rather hungry as going over to a friend's house (where I got to cuddle Guinea Pigs - they squeak!) then to the pub meant I didn't make it home before book club, so have not yet eaten. Now it's the payoff between is it too late to eat against being epically hungry in the morning.

Right, time to sort out what I'm teaching the little so and so's in the morning.

Ah, just had a thought. I could waste part of their PE lesson with today's RE. Hmm. Will have to reflect.

It has been suggested that I post more, so here goes...

The reason for the lack of posting recently has been a very busy couple of weeks at work - I've had meetings with the deputy heads and parents evening and various other delights. Also, epic amounts of planning.

The teaching is actually (whisper it) going pretty well. I've been trying out a few new things which have been effective. It's nice when things go well. It's just when I'm exhausted (like Friday) or when the kids spend the day beating each other up (Friday again) that it gets on top of me somewhat. If I never have this conversation again, it will be too soon:
Me: "Why did you punch/kick/shove so and so?"
Child: "Because he/she cussed my mum."

Luckily, spending a couple of weeks working my ass off means that I'm having quite a chilled weekend at James' - I only have a little bit of planning to do since I did some in the week, literacy someone else is doing and maths is easy for this week - we're going to have fun with data handling :) It could all end up quite insane, but it'll be fun insane, as my maths lessons tend to be.

Anyway, yes, relaxing weekend = muchly good. I think next weekend I might go to Kew Gardens, coz I haven't been for ages.

I was also listening to the Food Programme on radio 4 earlier, which was talking about eating like we used to, including not eating stuff that your great grandma wouldn't have recognised as food (which is fine, I see the point, but cuts out a lot of stuff) and not buying anything with more than 5 ingredients, which I can see the sense in more. I really need to start cooking properly again - my diet is completely crappy right now. I hardly ever eat lunch, and in the evenings I'm not exactly making decent dinners from scratch. I need to get back with eating veggies and such. I'll have to look out some good recipes, and start meal planning again etc. Actually behave like a responsible adult rather than a student.

Teenager dies after park attack

This is about 2 minutes from my house. Fuck.

I really didn't think the area was like this, at all.

I'm just so freaked out right now, and all my friends are out/busy.

Gah.

Well, I haven't been throwing up any more, and managed to eat something just now - I went to Sainsburys and got some poorly person food, which seems to have hit the spot.

I've just basically spent all day in bed, good portions of which I've been asleep for. I did put a load of books on to my bed to read, so they were within reach but have rather predictably opened none of them.

Anyway, yes. Feeling better. Normal service should resume tomorrow.

Off work because I had to get off the bus to throw up this morning, and the colleague who was with me said 'go home'. I had almost called in, but decided I could hack it, but was obviously wrong. Anyway, yes. Am stuck at home all day so feel free to entertain me.

Today was a training day at school, which meant no kids - thank goodness. We had some training on phonics, then spent the afternoon discussing literacy teaching. Literacy in general is stressing me out, since the colleague I had helping me last term is now working with someone else, so I have no support at all - my two year group colleagues both have a TA at least. Gah. Hopefully, I will survive. I'll let y'all know.

I'd forgotten, even though the break has only been short, what the constant stress feels like. Basically, it sucks. I also find myself less and less able to cope with the staff room at lunchtime - it's just noisy and full of people, which for me at least is not conduicive to rest and relaxation. But, we're not allowed to eat in our classrooms, so the staff room it is. The current policy is in-eat-out.

I went to see a play yesterday, The Masque of the Red Death. I will post more about it this weekend hopefully, but for now let me say that it was truly, truly excellent.

If you feel so inclined, I would love for you to post the answers to these questions in the comments:

1 - Tell me why you friended me. (Not just how we 'met' but why I'm keep-able on your Flist!)
2 - Associate me with something. An actor/actress, a song, a colour, a scent, a quote. Anything that makes you think of me.
3 - Tell me something you like about me.
4 - Tell me something you don't like about me.
5 - Tell me a memory you have of me.
6 - Recommend to me a book, a band, and a movie.
7 - Ask something you've always wanted to know about me.
8 - Tell me: which is your favourite user pic of mine?
9 - Refer to an inside joke we have, if we have one.
10 - In return, post this in your LJ so I can answer them for you! (optional; I can reply in comments here, if you so desire.)

Hello world.

Gosh, nearly the end of the year. It seems as though an impossible number of things have happened this year - I finished my PGCE, got my first real job, survived my first term as a teacher (just), started taking prozac, moved to London something approaching properly, my sister got engaged...it's been a bit of a whirlwind, and definitely, as was promised, a Year of Action ( (c) Mr. J. Milner).

I'm getting ready for the new year feeling quietly optimistic. I have some good resolutions (both teaching and life), which basically boil down to 'look after myself and be a good teacher'. Things are super-good with The Boy and I, I have many lovely friends who I see not quite enough of (twas ever thus). So yes, lots to look forward to, as long as the kids don't do for me first.

God bless.

A month between entries...gosh. I'm sure that must have happened before, tho I don't think I've ever been so aware of needing to post and just not quite getting to it, day after day. So, what's been going on?

Teaching continues to be hard, hard work, but somewhere deep inside, I love it. When a lesson goes well (which they increasingly are), it's just wonderful. I had a particularly good art lesson a few weeks ago, and then a good history lesson last week, and it's great. Flying high and all.

The hard, hard work has however been taking its toll, and I've been feeling increasingly down about stuff, so a week and a half or so ago, during half term, I went to the doctors and fixed myself up with some prozac. Which makes me feel like the biggest cliche alive, but so it goes. Hard to tell if it's helping yet - it takes a while to kick in, but the side effects are definitely making themselves felt, mostly in terms of being exhausted, slightly fuzzy and not very hungry all the time. Just need to hang on in there and keep going. One day at a time and all.

Speaking of half term, I had a great time - I spent 4 days at James'. I went to Oxford on the Saturday for his graduation, then we ate out at this amazing restaurant back near his parent's place, then we spent 4 days there, and it was lovely. I learned how to make felt - that's what his mum does - and did some sketching and drawing, which was also good. I do find it relaxing, just having time to be creative like that. Then once back in London I had a super-efficient day where I went and did all my Christmas shopping. In one day. Yes, you did read that right. It felt so amazing. For anyone who's in striking distance of central London, a major tip: the museum shops! Science museum for seriously cool stuff, V&A for arty stuff, I wasn't so impressed with the Natural History, tho maybe for kids it's better. British Museum for books, and also the London Transport museum for cool London stuff. Plus, they do posters of Poems on the Underground, which are only £1.50 each. I bought quite a few.

Apart from the usual refrain of work, work and more work, that's pretty much what I've been up to recently. Oh yes, and Oxford yesterday for Laura and Helen's birthday lunch, which was nice, even if I was half asleep.

Work continues to be utterly exhausting. Right now, I feel as though at every turn, I'm finding out about more stuff I have do, and it's like any minute someone else will tell me something else I should be doing. Added to that the ongoing discipline problems in my class, and the not sleeping (this morning: awake at 4.45, which is normal, but couldn't get back to sleep, which isn't. sort it out, self), and it's all getting to be a bit much.

I did however have a happy moment today: I stopped at the shop on the way to school, and saw by the till a big pack of Lentilky, also known as Czech smarties!! It would appear that Eastern Europe has not yet adopted the 'no artificial colours' approach, since not only are they nice, bright colours, but there are even blue smarties!!

I'm sure there's something wrong when the highlight of my day is finding blue smarties.


Also, London, plz to be changing your wind direction coz I am officially sick of plane days.

So, yeah. I kind of dropped off the radar there for a couple of weeks. The shorter version of why: teaching is bloody hard work, and very time consuming.

My class are hard work - there are quite a few disruptive little so and so's in there, which has at times made teaching them a real challenge. I was quite amused when out with friends on Thursday - I was telling them about some stuff that just goes right over my head now, which they were really shocked by, like kids telling me I'm mean, I'm a crap/rubbish/bad teacher, I should go back to France [never mind that I'm not actually French] and the suchlike. Still, I seem to keep going back every day, partly due to having such fantastic collegues - I spent this afternoon at Kew Gardens with one of them, we had a lovely time. I haven't been to Kew in forever, and it's just amazing. I'm so getting a membership - full price entrance costs £12.25, but a year's pass is only £37. Bargain!

If you were wondering about my life outside of teaching, it doesn't currently exist! Wish me luck for parent's evening this week :)

In lieu of an actual entry, because dear God I have been working for 14 hours today, I offer a meme..let's hear what you think.

1. Name:
2. Birthday:
3. Place/country/area of residence:
4. What makes you happy:
5. What are you listening to now/have listened to last:
6. Do you read my lj:
7. If you do, what is particularly good/bad about it:
8. An interesting fact about you:
9. Are you in love/have a crush at the moment:
10. Favourite place to be:
11. Favourite lyric:
12. Best time of the year:
13. Weirdest food you like:
14. What makes you laugh?

Recommend
1. A film:
2. A book:
3. A band, a song and an album:

Me
1. One thing you like about me:
2. Two things you like about yourself:
3. Put this in your lj so I can tell you what I think of you.

I'm meant to be planning for literacy and guided reading this week, but I just feel completely paralysed by what I have to do. I know there's no easy way to get good at this, but right now I just feel deeply, deeply incapable.

I've probably mentioned before that I attend Quaker meetings - I've just starting going to Ealing Meeting, and so far am really enjoying it. Meeting today was just fantastic - there was a lot of spoken ministry, but it really worked. The first guy who stood up read out the parable of the Good Samaritan, and said how he found it enormously challenging, about loving everyone, and loving God especially. Then someone else shared about their own difficulty with similar things, and then a third person shared something from Quaker Faith and Practice, which I shall share here, because it just made me smile:

"All our senses are given to us to enjoy, and to praise God. The smell of the sea, of the blossom borne on the wind, of the soft flesh of a little baby; the taste of a ripe plum or bread fresh from the oven, the feel of warm cat's fur, or the body of a lover - these are all forms of thanksgiving prayer. I am sure that it is as wrong to fail to delight in our bodies as it is to misuse them through excess. Not to be a glutton does not mean that we may not delight in good food: not to be ruled by lust does not mean that we must not enjoy the exquisite pleasures of sex: not to be slothful does not mean that we must never lie in the sun, not doing, just being. When Jesus said, 'I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly', I do not think He was speaking only of spiritual life - I think He meant us to have positive delight in all the good things in this wonderful world which his Father created.

Bella Bown, c 1980"
QFP, 21.24

I have also been thinking recently, as I do often, about the Quaker belief that there is That of God in everyone, which continues to challenge me enormously, and somehow everything just tied together in this one reading in Meeting today, and I thought "yes. just...yes."